


Dear You

by MajorWolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: Depression, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-28 06:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8434633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorWolfe/pseuds/MajorWolfe
Summary: With Bernie gone Serena finds herself struggling to cope with, what were once, everyday tasks.  Will she find a way to hold on and keep herself together until Bernie returns?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A short little fic vaguely based on the song 'Dear You' by Lucy Spraggan.

**Dear you, I hope you don't mind me writing, 'cause it's been some time since we last spoke,  
** **I hope you're doing more than fine, damn all that time I don't know where it goes,  
**Man I bet there's been some change and in my brain you've been doing so well,  
**I know it's important, I know I haven't called but, tell me all there is to tell******

Serena closed her eyes and took a shaky breath, “pull yourself together Campbell” she mumbled as she slowly opened her eyes and reached for the glass of Shiraz on her bedside table, it was almost empty, the bottle too, less than a glass left in her second bottle of the night. The last bottle in her house, the only reason she hadn’t stopped off for another on the way home was the knowledge that she could bear the hangover that two bottles would leave her with, she doubted she’d be able to run a drastically understaffed ward after three bottles of wine.

She knew she was verging on having a problem, on being dependent on the familiar red liquid. It was the first thing she reached for when she arrived home after a long shift, sometimes even before she’d left the office. She knew it was one of the few things keeping her together but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

She didn’t care about much any more, caring only lead to her being hurt, that had been proven time and time again, she’d cared about Bernie, more than cared about her but look where that had led. She lifted the glass to her lips, swallowing the contents in one gulp and laughed bitterly, she wasn’t going to bother buying Shiraz any more, she didn’t bother to appreciate the taste, the quality of the wine any more. Anything would do, as long as it worked, as long as it made her ‘tipsy’ enough to forget for a while, as long as it relaxed her enough to at least try and sleep.

Only once she had finished the second bottle of wine did Serena move from the bed, glancing at the clock she figured she should probably change out of the clothes she’d had on all day and try and get some sleep. She pulled off her clothes and left them haphazardly on the floor of her bedroom, unable to find the energy to drop them in the basket she kept in her ensuite for dirty clothes, before trudging back over to her bed. She’d barely pulled back the covers when something caught her eye, her laptop balanced on the edge of her dressing table, and, almost instinctively she found herself walking over to her discarded clothes, pulling a crumpled sheet of paper from the pocket of her trousers, picking up her laptop and making her way across the room to her bed.

She flicked on the radio as she waited for her laptop to load, the quiet hum of her favourite station filling the silent void in the room, the volume turned low so she wouldn’t disturb Jason in the room next door. She loved her nephew, of course she did but she missed the days when she didn’t have to worry about things like the volume of her radio, she missed the days where she could do whatever she wanted without the worry of Jason’s routine looming over her, without having to try and guess how he’d react to whatever it was she wanted to do. Bernie gave her respite from that, whether explaining to Jason that she’d be taking Serena out so his aunt would be late home, or watching an endless stream of quiz shows with him to enable Serena to get a few hours out of the house, Bernie had even gone as far as to send Serena to a spa for the day whilst she kept Jason company. God Serena missed Bernie.

It didn’t take her long to log into her email account, smoothing out the paper against her duvet as she double and triple checked she’d got Bernie’s email address right. It was a stupid idea, a little voice in the back of her head told her that, she’d had 2 bottles of wine, she’d never consider ringing Bernie, but this seemed different somehow, and she found her fingers hitting the keyboard, spilling out her soul without any effort at all, once she’d started she found it almost impossible to stop herself.

_Bernie,_

_I miss you. There. I’ve said it. I miss my colleague, my friend, I miss the woman I’ve fallen in love with. I don’t know what to do any more, I feel like I’m on this downward spiral, a helter-skelter to hell and I’m powerless to stop it. I wish you were here. Is that selfish of me? I wish you were here for me, with me. I need a friend Bernie, I need someone to catch me, to drag me out of this black hole that seems intent on swallowing me whole, I need someone to tell me I’ll be okay, someone to ground me, someone...just someone._

_I’ve wanted to get in touch since the very moment Henrik gave me your email,since before that but I guess I’ve been too stubborn, too much of a chicken to pick up the phone. I hope you’re doing well Bernie, in fact I hope you’re more than well, I hope you’re happy, that you feel settled. You obviously are or you wouldn’t have chosen to stay out there. I’m sorry I pushed you away, I came on too strongly. If you want to just be colleagues, friends then that’s fine, well, it’s not fine but it’s better than this, it’s better than nothing._

_I miss you so much Bernie, please, I don’t want to sound desperate but if you get time, if you want to, I’d love to hear from you. I know I probably should have been in touch sooner, maybe my lack of contact is why you’ve stayed out in the Ukraine, maybe you’ve taken my silence to mean that I don’t want you, that I don’t want to hear from you. In reality it’s because I’m not sure I’d be able to hear your voice without breaking down but I’d do my best, I’d let me tell you about the trauma unit in Kiev, how cold it is over there. Can you get Shiraz? Are you happy? I hope you are Bernie, after everything you deserve to be happy._

_I’d love to hear from you again._  
_Yours  
_Serena xx__

______Her fingers hovered over the mousepad for a moment, the cursor dangerously close to the send button as she weighed up the options in her mind. It didn’t take long for her to come to a decision, Bernie was obviously happy in Kiev or she wouldn’t have decided to stay, she didn’t want to make Bernie feeling like she had to come back, no, if Bernie wanted to speak to her she’d call her off her own back, she didn’t need Serena pleading with her like some desperate love sick teenager, so she clicked back into her inbox, ignoring the message on the screen telling her her email had been saved as a draft. Maybe, maybe if she was lucky there’d be an email from a rich Nigerian Prince wishing to share his wealth with a lonely old lesbian. Serena made no attempt to stop the tears rolling down her cheeks as laughed bitterly and shook her head, “who are you kidding?” she asked herself as she closed her laptop and placed it on the floor by her bed, she didn’t want that, she didn’t want a Prince, she didn’t want anyone else. She wanted Bernie, she needed Bernie._ _____

**I always felt like you've known me,  
** **I thought of you when I got lonely,  
**Now there's nothing else I can do,  
**This is me reaching out to you******


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear you, me again, obviously it's a letter, it's weird writing these to you makes me feel better,  
** **'Cause sometimes when it's dark or it's really bad weather, I feel like I might just feel down forever,**  
 **Last night I really felt that might have been it, like I just couldn't deal with any more shit,**  
 **I wanted to disappear and if I think that I did, it would be at least a week before it went noticed.**

Serena glanced at the clock, she should be leaving about now if she wanted to be on time for once but she couldn’t bring herself to move, she didn’t know if she could be bothered to go into work at all.  She hadn’t bothered to get dressed, it had taken her almost half an hour to drag herself out of bed after her alarm had gone off, padding down the stairs into the kitchen and making herself a strong coffee to try and ward off her hangover.

She tapped her fingers against the lid of the laptop that sat before her, it had been almost a fortnight since she’d written her first email to Bernie and the messages were only becoming more frequent, the draft folder of her emails rapidly filling with unsent messages, things she knew she’d never have the courage to tell the blonde.

It had become her way of coping, of getting things off her chest but she wasn’t sure it was enough any more.  She knew she’d never be able to admit to anyone what had happened the previous night, what she’d almost done, and she didn’t even know if she could bring herself to type it an email she’d never send.  She had to try though, it was her only choice, if she didn’t offload, if she didn’t do something to try and relieve the ache in her chest, she was sure she’d fall apart, the cracks she’d done so well at hiding would become obvious and she’d have to tell someone else.  No, she was certain that wasn’t going to happen, typing out an email she’d never send was a much better option than actually telling someone about the thoughts constantly filling her head.

She stood and walked a lap of the kitchen, she wasn’t sure she could even type how she was feeling, she wasn’t even sure she’d know how to. She glanced at her laptop before picking up a glass from the draining board and filling it with cold water from the tap.  As the cool liquid rolled down her throat Serena’s brain reminded her that she needed to eat and she frowned slightly as she tried to remember how long it had been since something other than coffee or wine had passed her lips.  She sighed as she flopped back into her chair at the table, food was just another item on a long list of things she no longer had interest in.

Serena bit her lip as she opened a new email and typed out Bernie’s name.  “You can do this” she mumbled to herself, she could, she could type out a mundane email, asking her how she was, how the trauma unit was coming along, she could sound normal, like nothing was wrong, she could press send.  She could hear from Bernie again, even if it was just a few brief words on the screen of her laptop.

She couldn’t do it, as soon as her fingers hit the keyboard her barriers broke and the words flowed as freely as the tears that rolled down her cheeks as she bared her soul to Bernie in yet another email that she’d never bring herself to send.

_Bernie,_

_Sometimes writing everything out makes me feel better, it almost feels cathartic, and I really hope it helps this time because I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm such a fucking idiot. Everything I touch falls apart. Jason’s gone. Apparently I'm too grumpy, impossible to live with, oh and a snob. He’s living with Alan. We had an inspection at the hospital. I nearly fucked that up too. Jason was on the ward. He told the inspector, an old ‘acquaintance' of mine just how much I failed at running the ward, how much I failed in general._

_I can't do it anymore Bernie, the constant gossip from everyone about what happened before you left, the impossible shifts. They never got a locum in, Fletch is still off ill, it’s half term so Raf’s taken the week off to help him with the kids and poor Morven’s working late, going without her breaks to try and help._

_I’m scared Bernie, scared of myself, of what I might do, but at the same time I feel like I deserve it somehow, like it’s karma finally getting me back for all the things I’ve done wrong in the past.  It’s pathetic, I know. You’re better off in Kiev, away from me._

_Last night was awful, I can't remember the last time I felt so low, I still do if I'm honest and I don't know what to do. I’d had too much wine but that won't surprise you, I thought it might help but it didn’t, if anything it only made things worse, it only served to make the voice in my head louder. The voice in my head reminding me there were painkillers and sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet. I even worked out how many I’d need to take. I had them all lined up but something, I don't know what, (cowardice maybe?) stopped me. I flushed them away in the end, everything I had in the house, even the asprin I had in my handbag._

_I don't know if it was the right decision. Maybe things would be better, less complicated if I wasn't around. It’s not as if anyone would notice until the paperwork started piling up on my desk. You left, Jason left and I can't remember the last time I had so much as a text from Elinor._

_I was angry, so so angry when you first left but not any more. Now I, well I guess I'm almost relieved that you chose Kiev over me, relieved that you don't have to see me like this, relieved that you don't have to feel compelled to help. I don't deserve anyone’s help. I wish I could just slip away, leave everything, maybe find an isolated cottage somewhere so the only life I can fuck up is my own._

_I know it’s stupid but almost every time someone walks onto the ward I look up hoping it’s you, I don't know why though, if you came back now you’d take one look at me and head straight back to Kiev. I don't blame you for leaving Bernie, I’d leave me too if I could._

_I don't know what to do any more._  
_I miss you._  
_I love you._  
_Serena._

As always her finger hovered over the send button, wishing she was strong enough to click it, to reach out. She knew Bernie would help her, she knew she could mention how she was feeling to any one of her colleagues, her friends and they’d help her.  She couldn’t do it though, she was the one that kept screwing up so she’d be the one to face the consequences of what she’d done, of the mistakes she’d made so once again she simply closed her laptop and headed upstairs, her mention of how short staffed they were on the ward suddenly making her realise Morven would be there on her own.  “Better late than never” she mumbled to herself as she tried to make herself look decent, like she hadn’t spent half the night crying into her third bottle of cheap red wine.  She had to go to work, she had to carry on like normal, no one else should be put out just because she couldn’t keep herself together.

**I always felt like you've known me,  
** **I thought of you when I got lonely,**  
 **Now there's nothing else I can do,**  
 **This is me reaching out to you .**


	3. Chapter 3

**I always felt like I'd known you,  
** **I never thought you would be lonely,  
** **Now there's nothing else I can do,  
** **This is me reaching out to you.**

Morvern sent a quick text to Raf when, almost an hour after her shift had started, Serena still hadn’t arrived on the ward, _‘Serena’s not turned up, I’ve tried calling but there’s no answer, I’m worried about her Raf’_ she waited to see that the text had been sent before dropping her phone into the pocket on her scrubs and picking up the ward phone, she knew she couldn’t manage the ward on her own so she did the only thing she could think of, hoping it wouldn’t get Serena into too much trouble, she took a deep breath when her call was answered, “Mr Griffin, it’s Dr Digby on AAU...”

As soon as Raf had read Morven’s text to Fletch, the nurse had insisted the doctor went into work.  Evie too reassured him that they’d all be fine and promised him she’d call him the second they needed anything, not that they would.  He made a quick detour on his way to the hospital, but, after seeing Serena’s car wasn’t on her driveway, he headed to work, assuming she was already on her way in.

He was right, Serena had arrived a little over half an hour after Ric had walked on the ward, the man reassuring Morven that she’d done the right thing by calling him down, promising her that Serena wasn’t in any trouble whilst trying to hide how worried he was about Serena’s welfare. Serena had seen Ric stood at the nurses station when she arrived and quietly slipped into her office, hoping she hadn’t been seen. If she was lucky he’d hold the fort and she wouldn’t have to leave her office until the end of her shift.

“Mr Di Luca, I wasn’t aware you were on the rota today.”Ric frowned when Raf walked over, already changed into his scrubs less than 10 minutes after Serena had slipped into her office, unaware Ric had seen her.

“Officially I’m not, I took the week off to help Fletch with the kids but they’re all out today” he lied, “so I thought I might make myself useful, I know we’re short staffed  so I thought another pair of hands might be welcome.”

“Very much so” Ric nodded, handing over a patient file, “Mr Harris in bay 3, he’s come in from the ED with unexplained abdo pain, they ruled out appendicitis as he had an appendectomy as a child, could you take a look?”

“Of course” Raf took a quick look around the ward, “is Ms Campbell not in?”

“She’s in her office, and between you and I, that’s probably the best place for her today.”

Raf nodded, “okay, I’ll go and examine Mr Harris”

\-----

Bernie sighed as she flopped down into the chair in the small room that had been given to her as an ‘office’ she had no doubt however, that, given it’s size, the room was probably a storage cupboard before her arrival and it had been cleared out so she could have an ‘office’ to herself.  The room was sparsely furnished, a desk, a chair and a half empty bookshelf, it was nothing compared to the office she shared with Serena back in Holby.  She linked her fingers together and placed her elbows on the desk, her chin resting on her knuckles as she closed her eyes, taking a moment to compose herself before she turned on her computer.

Almost as soon as she’d logged onto the system, a small notification popped up in the bottom corner of her screen informing her she had 23 new emails, however, when she opened her inbox one message caught her eye instantly, _From: Serena Campbell, No Subject._  

She felt her heart stop, bile rising in her throat as she read Serena’s words, she had absolutely no idea Serena felt this way, and she found herself typing out a reply almost instinctively.

_Serena._

_Please tell me you’re safe. I'm glad you felt like you could open up to me, I only wish you’d told me how you were feeling sooner, before things got this bad. I'm relieved to hear you didn’t take those pills last night, that you somehow found the strength to make it to morning._

_I can only imagine how much you’re struggling right now but believe me, you are so much more than you think you are.  Tell me Elinor wouldn't spend the rest of her life blaming herself if you’d have taken those pills last night, tell me she wouldn’t spend the rest of her life wondering if you’d still be alive if only she’d visited you more. Tell me Morven wouldn't fall apart losing the woman she looks up to as not only a mentor but as a mother figure too so soon after losing her husband. Tell me you don't think my world would stop when I got a phone call, when I had to listen to Ric? Fletch? Raf? Hanssen? Jason? When I had to listen to anyone tell me you’d taken your own life. Tell me you don't imagine Jason would fall apart, his carefully planned routines going out of the window as he spends his days asking me questions I can't answer about why you're not here. Tell me you don't think Evie Fletcher would shed a tear on results day when it hits her that she can't share her success with the woman who nurtured her dreams and did all she could to encourage her. Don’t you dare think for one more second that things would be better without you when the world is an infinitely better place because you are a part of it._

_You do not mess everything up, if anything I'm the one who does that, I should never have left you to pick up the pieces, to deal with the mess I left behind both personally and professionally but I’m going to come home, as soon as I can. I can't give you an exact date or time but I'll be home in the next couple of days, just promise me you’ll try and stay strong until I return, once I'm back you can fall apart if you need to and I'll be strong enough for both of us. God, I'll never leave you again Serena._

_You can call me whenever you need to, or, if talking is too much, text me, send me another email, although it may be better to use my personal email, I’ll get that on my phone straight away, I don’t get to check my work emails unless I’m in my office. I mean it Serena, even if It’s the middle of the night, if you need company, a distraction, anything at all promise me you’ll let me know._

_Please stay safe. I'll be home soon._  
_I miss you too._  
_All my Love_  
_Bernie x_

She added in her personal email address before pressing send, hastily dropping the only vaguely personal thing she had in her office, a picture of herself and Serena in Albies, into her handbag, throwing her coat over her arm and leaving her office, heading straight towards the CEO’s office, telling him she was sorry but she had to go back to Holby immediately.  The trauma unit was already up and running and she was only there because she’d chosen to stay so he had no choice but to let her go.

Bernie raced down the stairs after her meeting with the CEO, the lift would only waste time.  She usually walked the short distance to her apartment,she found it a pleasant way to unwind after a long shift, but not today, today time was of the essence and she quickly hailed a cab once she left the main entrance of the hospital, the British Airways website already loading on her phone as she gave the taxi driver her address and flopped back into the cold leather seat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter jumps between Bernie and Serena quite a lot, I hope it isn't too confusing.

Serena was sat at her desk, she’d had every intention of getting some paperwork done, of avoiding everyone for as long as possible but she just couldn’t focus, if someone asked, she wouldn’t even be able to tell the what was on her mind, she just felt empty.  She let out a sigh as she was shocked back to reality by her phone vibrating against her leg, she pulled out the device before dropping it to her desk in shock when she saw the notification ‘ _ 1 new email Bernie Wolfe RE:No Subject. _ ’  “No, no, no, no, no” she mumbled, she couldn’t have, no. She quickly logged into her email account on the computer, her face paling as she clicked onto her sent messages, “you bloody idiot Campbell.”

Her hands shook as she opened the email, tears rolling down her cheeks as she read Bernie’s email, Bernie was coming home, Bernie was coming back, back for her.  She shook her head, she was so stupid, Bernie was only coming back because she felt guilty, because she blamed herself for how Serena was feeling.  Serena didn’t deserve Bernie, she didn’t deserve anyone.  As she read Bernie’s words a second, and third time, she made her mind up.  She was going to push Bernie away, move out of Holby if she had to, anything to protect Bernie from the chaos Serena seemed to case wherever she went.  The atmosphere in the office suddenly felt suffocating, she needed to get out, she needed air, she couldn’t breathe. Her chair crashed into the filing cabinet as she stood, pushing it away, allowing her to leave the room, ignoring the stares and Raf’s concerned “Serena”, tears rolling down her cheeks and her breath catching in her throat as she fled from the ward.

\-----

Bernie meanwhile was racing around her sparsely decorated apartment, haphazardly throwing her few belongings towards her large rucksack as it laid on her bed, she’d half expected to have to wait until the next morning but she’d been lucky, there was a direct flight from Kiev to Heathrow leaving that evening, she’d had to pay for business class but that didn’t matter to her.  She just wanted to get back to Holby, back to Serena as quickly as she could.  It would be close, but Bernie was certain she could just make the flight as long as she left her apartment in the next 30 minutes.

Luckily, Bernie always travelled light and her time in the army had taught her how to pack a bag quickly and efficiently so she was ready to leave just 13 minutes later, easily hailing a cab and, in the broken Ukrainian she’d learnt, instructing the driver to get her to the airport as quickly as possible.

\-----

Serena stumbled out onto the fire escape, desperately trying to fill her lungs with air.  Her head snapped up almost painfully when she felt someone take her by the shoulders, she’d expected to be alone, but when she looked up through bleary eyes she found Dom leading her over to the metal staircase where she’d once sat with Bernie.

“Sit down” he said calmly, and Serena didn’t even have the energy to argue, sitting down on the step, Dom still holding her shoulders, “sit up straight” he said told her, “you’re having a panic attack, if you hunch over it will make it harder to breathe.”  Once again Serena did as Dom asked, desperately trying to pull herself together, she was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed Dom’s next instruction, but as she heard him slowly repeating ‘in’ and ‘out’ she realised he was trying to get her to slow down her breathing, he was trying to help her get herself together.

\-----

Bernie found herself aimlessly wondering around the shops as she waited to board her plane, she had no intention of buying anything but she was full of nervous energy that she needed to burn off before she had to spend 4 hours stuck in her seat on the plane.  She’d been quite productive, she’d called Cam, knowing he had a spare key to her flat and told him she was coming home, she explained why and asked him to do her a food shop, to get in all the essentials she’d need for the next few days, she had no intention of letting Serena stay in her own house tonight.  She turned down her son’s offer to meet her at the airport, and instead booked herself a train back to Holby, reasoning that the train would be faster in rush hour.  He had however insisted on picking her up at the train station to take her to the hospital and there was a little part of her that was glad her son seemed so eager to see her again.  She sighed and glanced at her watch, there were another 20 minutes before her flight was due to start boarding, there was time for a whiskey in the airport bar.

It turned out that there were time for 2 whiskeys, both downed in a single gulp before Bernie retrieved both her passport and boarding card from her handbag  before slinging it over her arm and making her way towards the right gate where she resumed her nervous pacing.  It was time to go back to Serena.  It was time to go home and try and sort out the mess she’d left behind

\-----

Dom spent the next 20 minutes calming Serena down, encouraging her to take slow, deep breaths, and only once he was sure she was calm did he take a step back to text Sacha, letting him know where he was.  “Come on” Dom held out his hand to Serena once her breathing had returned to something he’d accept as ‘normal’ and her sobs had died down to quiet whimpers, “you look like you could do with a coffee.”

Serena didn’t argue, she simply let Dom lead her to the lift, keeping her head down, trying to ignore the sniggers and the whispers she could hear, she was done.  She couldn’t do this anymore.  Dom stayed silent as they made their way down to the ground floor, suggesting Serena went to find them a quiet bench in the gardens as he went to get their drinks.

He found her a few short minutes later, staring into space and after repeating her name several times he resorted to placing his hand on her arm, apologising when she almost lept off the seat.  “Chicken salad or ham and cheese?” he asked holding out two sandwiches after he’d passed her her coffee.

“I, I’m not…”

“When did you last eat something?” Dom asked.  Serena couldn’t answer, “please” he smiled sweetly, “for me?” He smiled as Serena took the chicken salad sandwich from him, fiddling with the edge before opening the packet and nervously taking a bite.

“Thank you” Serena said quietly, only realising how hungry she was once she’d started eating.

“It’s okay” Dom gave her a sympathetic smile, “is there erm, is there anything you’d like to talk about?” he asked as he bit into his own sandwich.

“I’d rather not” Serena shrugged, “and I know there’ll be rumours aplenty about the state I was in when we came downstairs, but I would appreciate it if what happened on the fire escape…”

“What happens on the fire escape stays on the fire escape” Dom assured her, “you have my word.”

They sat in silence for a while before Serena insisted she’d taken enough of Dom’s time and he should get back to work.  She thanked him again as he accompanied her back to AAU, walking her right to her office door so she didn’t have to face the stares and the gossip alone, he waited until she was safely inside, recieved a nod in thanks from Ric, and headed back up to Kellar. Serena however had collapsed back into the chair at her desk after pulling her compact mirror from her handbag.  She winced when she saw her reflection, “you’re a mess Campbell” she mumbled as she wiped away the mascara from her cheeks, “you won’t need to push her away, she’ll run as soon as she sees you.”

\-----

The four hour flight seemed to take weeks as Bernie sat back in her plush leather seat, desperately trying not to think about Holby, there was nothing she could do whilst she was in the air, nothing would be fixed by her worrying, so instead she ordered another whiskey and tried to allow herself to enjoy the luxuries provided by her business class ticket whilst simultaneously trying not to annoy the man in the aisle seat by tapping her fingers against the armrest.

She was lucky, another benefit of the upgrade, her bag was one of the first off the plane and she made it to her train with plenty of time to spare.  She waited until she was only 10 minutes away from Holby before dialing the familiar number that would send her call straight through to AAU.  She was surprised to hear Raf answer the phone, but he was even more surprised to hear she was on her way home.  He confirmed that Serena was still in her office and promised to let her know if she left before wishing her a safe journey and ending the call, heading straight over to Ric to let him know Bernie was on her way back.

\-----

Bernie thanked Cameron for the lift and kissed his cheek before getting out of the car, slinging her rucksack over her shoulder and taking a long look at the building, this was it.  She was home.  She walked into the building, and, after seeing a group of nurses waiting for the lift, decided to take the stairs.  She was glad she’d kept herself in shape after leaving the army, she managed to carry her bag up to AAU without much effort at all.   She paused for a moment before stepping onto the ward, she could do this, she needed to do this.  Serena needed her to do this. She smiled when she was spotted instantly by Raf, the doctor pointing towards the office and giving her a thumbs up.  It was the encouragement she needed to push open the door and slip into the dark room.

The only light in the office came from a small lamp on Serena’s desk, and even in the almost darkness, Bernie recognised the item Serena was fiddling with, a surgical scalpel, luckily still in it’s packaging, dancing between her fingers.  Serena was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Bernie enter the room but she did hear the soft thud of Bernie dropping her rucksack to the floor, lifting her head at the noise, the scalpel fell to the desk as she whispered just one word, “Bernie.”

She nodded and walked over to the desk, holding her arms out, “come here you.”

The plans Serena had thought about all afternoon, her intention to push Bernie away, suddenly flew out of the window as she found herself drawn into the other woman’s arms, “I’m sorry” she whispered, beginning to sob as soon as Bernie’s arms wrapped around her.

“Shh” Bernie kissed her head and gently rubbed at her back, “it’s okay, I’ve got you, you’re okay.” Bernie repeated, carefully moving to sit on the floor when Serena’s legs buckled, the brunette cradled on her lap as Bernie let her cry, “I’m here” Bernie promised as she held Serena closely, “I’ve got you, you’re going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go. I might write an epilogue at some point in the future, we'll see. Thanks for reading :)


	5. Epilogue

**3 Months Later**

Bernie looked up from her paperwork as she heard the office door creak open and then almost instantly click shut again. “Hi” she smiled when she saw Serena, “Everything okay?”

Serena smiled and nodded, “yeah, I made it through the entire hour without crying, that’s 3 weeks in a row now” she chuckled slightly.

“Congratulations” Bernie laughed, “I think that deserves a glass of shiraz once we’re home.”

Serena smiled and glanced at her watch, “are you nearly ready to go? I’m done for the day, I got everything important finished earlier, anything else can wait for tomorrow.”

Bernie nodded and turned her computer off, “just give me 5 minutes to get changed.”

“Okay” Serena smiled, gratefully accepting the kiss Bernie grazed against her lips as she passed.  She sat back in her chair once Bernie had left, allowing herself to think back over the last three months.  She’d cried herself to sleep in Bernie’s arms on the office floor after the blonde’s return but it hasn’t bothered Bernie, Bernie had simply sat and held her, letting her sleep for over an hour before gently waking her and helping her out to the car.

They’d both had a text from Ric by the time they got back to Bernie’s apartment, telling them that he’d manage the ward tomorrow, giving them a day to themselves.  They’d talked for hours, Bernie letting Serena vent, letting her get everything off her chest.  Only when Serena had no more tears left to cry did Bernie kiss her forehead and promise that she’d help her get through this, she’d do whatever it took to help Serena get herself together again.

Bernie made dinner, giving her diagnosis as they ate, a diagnosis Serena had already given herself. Depression.  She’d accompanied Serena to the doctor’s the next morning where she’d been given a prescription for antidepressants and, with a little help from Ric, set Serena up with an appointment to talk to someone in psych.  He GP had told her there was an 8 week waiting list for ‘talking therapy’ but it turned out that if the hospital’s CEO arranged an appointment on your behalf that wait became closer to 8 days. Then, for her grand finale, Bernie had even patched things up with Jason on Serena’s behalf, she’d patiently sat with him, and with Serena’s permission, explained her depression to him, answering his questions until he understood, he’d even agreed to move back in with her, spending one night a week with Alan to give her some time to herself.  Serena could never thank Bernie enough.

“Ready?” Bernie asked as she came back into her office, her scrubs changed in favour of the long white shirt and skinny black trousers Serena loved.

Serena looked up and smiled, “yeah, do you want to drive?” She asked, holding out her keys.

Bernie nodded and took the keys from Serena, “yeah, but you really need to get something a bit faster the next time you buy a car” she teased.

“Unlike you Ms Wolfe” Serena rolled her eyes, “I am not in the midst of a midlife crisis. I do not need a sports car.”

“I beg to differ” Bernie wrapped her arm around Serena’s waist as they walked from the ward, “dyed in the wool hetrosexual hits 50 and suddenly becomes a lesbian, sounds like a midlife crisis to me.”

Serena raised an eyebrow, “You mean I could have just bought a nice sports car but I ended up stuck with you instead.”

“You love it” Bernie laughed as they got into the lift.

“No, I love you” Serena corrected her, pecking her on the lips.

Bernie smiled into the kiss, “then I guess it’s probably a good job that I love you too.”

They walked out of the hospital in silence, entwined fingers swinging gently between them, they didn’t hide, they didn’t need to, everyone knew already, most of them had seen Bernie half carrying Serena out to her car when she’d first arrived back from Ukraine, rucksack on her back, Serena in her arms as she’d made her way across the car park, rummaging in Serena’s handbag for her car keys as they walked.

“Albie’s or home?” Bernie asked Serena, the brunette smiling at just how easily the word rolled off the blonde’s tongue.”

“Home” she smiled, “Jason’s at chess club, we’ll be able to enjoy the peace and quiet for a couple of hours, we can order in from that Thai place you like?”

Bernie smiled and nodded as she threw her handbag onto the back seat of Serena’s car, “sounds good to me.”

They’d fitted together so perfectly, Serena had stayed with Bernie in her apartment for three nights, finding comfort in the blonde’s arms as she dozed off to sleep each night, sleep that she found more restful than any she’d had for several months.  She’d broken down again when Bernie had, at Serena’s insistence, taken her home, clinging to the blonde as she hyperventilated, terrified of the dark places her mind might take her to if she stayed there alone.  Once again Bernie had sat on the floor, holding Serena close, kissing her and rocking her and promising her that she was strong, a fighter, that she’d be okay.  Bernie had offered to stay ‘just for tonight’, in the three months since her return from Kiev, Bernie had only spent 3 nights in her own apartment, the three nights that she’d shared her home with Serena, and, if the amount of Bernie’s clothes in Serena’s wardrobe was anything to go by, ‘just for tonight’ didn’t show any signs of ending soon. 

Bernie had been there for her, no questions asked, Bernie had been there for Serena whenever she was needed, without Serena ever needing to ask for help.  She’d been there in the first few weeks when Serena’s body was struggling with the side effects from her medication, it had been Bernie who’d arranged sick leave for her, Bernie who’d spent hours laying silently with her, stroking her hair to keep her calm.  It had been Bernie who’d patiently explained everything to Jason, tried to make him understand why the medication that was supposed to be making his Aunt better was the reason she barely left her bedroom, barely had the motivation to get out of bed most mornings.  It was Bernie who’d called Serena from work at every opportunity, checking she’d eaten the food Bernie had left, that she’d taken a shower, that she was taking care of herself.  Bernie had been the one who’d smiled proudly and congratulated her, kissing her cheek and handing her a mug of coffee when Serena had arrived downstairs one morning of her own accord, showered and dressed, the fog in her head finally beginning to clear.  No matter how angry she’d been when Bernie had left for Kiev, Serena was certain that, since her return, Bernie had more than made up for leaving her in the first place.

Bernie had tried apologising to Serena, she blamed herself, if she’d not have left Serena would never have gotten like this, but Serena had put her right, if she was honest, it had been coming for a while but having Bernie around had helped her, grounded her. Serena had started sinking long before Bernie had left, she’d just been better at hiding it.  In a way Serena was almost thankful for Bernie’s secondment, she felt like she’d needed it, if Bernie hadn’t left she’d never have broken down, if she’d not broken down then she’d never have reached out and got the help she was so desperate for.  Even so, Bernie had still promised, over and over, that she would never leave Serena again, and Serena was more than happy with that arrangement.

“You okay?” Bernie asked as softly she drove, noticing Serena was lost in her thoughts.

Serena nodded, “just thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself” Bernie teased, laughing when Serena playfully hit her arm.  “Am I allowed to ask what you’re thinking about?”

“Move in with me” Serena said softly, “properly, I mean, if you want to.  It seems silly you spending every night at my house but still paying rent and the bills for your flat.”

Bernie glanced at Serena as she stopped at a red light, “are you sure? What about Jason?”

“Never been surer about anything” Serena said, uncharacteristically quietly, “you erm, you’ve been my rock these past few months, Jason’s too. I’m not sure how, or even if, I’d have coped had you not come back when you did, how Jason would have coped without your support.  I know it’s a big step, and I’ll understand if you’d rather keep the safety net of having your own place, but if you wanted to, I’d be more than happy for you to move in, and Jason probably wouldn’t notice a change, you spend every night with us, you have your own key, you come and go as you like, you’re there even when I’m working.  He and I, well we’ve both been happier than we have in a long time since you’ve been staying over.”

“Okay” Bernie smiled, reaching out to put her hand on Serena’s arm, squeezing gently, “I’ll speak to my landlord tomorrow, give him my notice.”

“You, you’re sure?” Serena asked nervously, “if you’d rather not…”

“Serena” Bernie said softly as she parked outside the house, turning to look at Serena, “Serena, look at me Love.”  Serena looked up at Bernie, uncertainty in her eyes, “I’m not doing this because I feel like I have to or because I’m scared you’ll fall apart if I say no. I’m doing this because I want to, because it’s not just you and Jason that have been happier since I’ve been staying with you.  I love you, and me ‘officially’ moving in won’t change a thing okay.”

Serena nodded, “I love you too” she smiled, leaning over to kiss Bernie’s lips.

“Come on” Bernie gently squeezed Serena’s hand, “let’s get inside, I’ll run you a bath once we’ve eaten if you like?”

“Will you join me?”

Bernie smiled and nodded, “yeah, if you want me to.”

“Of course” Serena nodded before looking at Bernie, “we can do this can’t we? We’re going to be okay.”

Bernie pecked Serena’s lips, “we’re going to be just fine My Love.  We’ve got each other, we can conquer the world if we want to.”


End file.
